If like me you have had to explain this to someone, this is for you
Many things, it turns out..
Over the years, as part of studying personality, intelligence, connection and emotions across contexts I have often encountered questions about what intimacy really is, what does it look like when you have it, does it have to exist both ways for it to be real, does it mean sharing secrets with deep vulnerability or a really intense sexual interaction, most of all - can it be engineered?
If you’ve had a work-spouse, a soulmate that was purely platonic, friends you love doing chores with, someone you think is on the exact same wavelength as you about the world & the workings of it - this maybe for you.
Despite there being no agreed upon scientific definition of the construct of intimacy, we can distinguish between a moment of being intimate (verb) with someone vs sharing intimacy with someone over multiple interactions (noun).
After many years of theorizing, clustering & tagging, this is where I’ve ended up:
A breakdown of each per my experience (in no particular order):
Physical
- Indicators: Your body feels at ease in their presence, you feel drawn to being physical proximate, you welcome and instinctively want to show affection
- Examples: Grocery shopping together or having company while you do dishes (aka domestic intimacy in my household), cuddling with a platonic friend (totally acceptable, highly advised), instinctively holding someone’s hand when you cross the road for safety, sharing clothes or personal items with someone without feeling icky, taking care of someone when they’re sick when you have no obligation to do so
- Drivers: To have physical intimacy with someone, the two pre-requisites are a sense of safety, and a complete sense of trust in intentions
- Detractors: If one person has different physical boundaries / boundaries are not clear between you and them; a history of sexual intimacy with someone can enhance or detract from this kind of intimacy - if resolved and you are on the same page, it can be strong as you’ve been there done that, whereas if there are lingering non-platonic feelings or a degree of flirtation that remains, it can lead to questioning of intentions
Metaphysical
- Indicators: Your narrative about the world, universe, religion, spirituality, dietary choices, tarot cards, star signs, afterlife, etc. feel validated in their presence; this could mean a shared curiosity, a shared indifference or even a shared despising of something. Essentially, what you believe to be true about the world is reflecting and reinforced in your conversations and actions with them
- Examples: Volunteering for a cause you believe in together, sharing memes that make fun of something you both don’t believe in, talking through hypothetical scenarios that explore / reinforce a belief system, someone making you watch Cosmos and you discussing its relevance to your tiny existence years later (11/10 recommend)
- Drivers: Sharing material you both are curious about, having conversations and experiences that allow this part of you to be fulfilled, finding ways to make the metaphysical come to life and integrate it into your social interactions
- Detractors: Misaligned actions from what one has shared their belief to be (ex. if you bond with someone over veganism and they catch you eating a cheeseburger), invalidating someone’s belief system, sharing the belief in private with someone but distancing from it when you’re in other company
Intellectual
- Indicators: Can often overlap with the metaphysical, but while that is more about sharing beliefs, this one is more on ideology, on information & what you feel most nerdy about (always a compliment in my books). What I love about this kind of intimacy is it isn’t so much about agreement on the topic, but often about the depth of process in someone’s thinking or experience of it
- Examples: Someone sharing the “did you knows” about a poet, a movie or author you care about; someone you share all your weird, hypothetical questions with, who responds with the same intensity of your line of question regardless of how ridiculous the topic; accepts/rejects things with the same degree of questioning you have from it (or lack thereof), cares the same amount you do about the details behind said thing, friends who give you TedTalks about conspiracy theories (and you’re into it)
- Drivers: Taking someone down a rabbit hole of what-ifs you both are interested in, sharing information willingly & enthusiastically, feeling positively challenged by a thought/construct/question someone asks you, the willingness to changing your mind with the perfect argument
- Detractors: One person’s interest being superficial or stagnant; lack of shared exploration, one person being the ‘taker’ of the juicy, insightful discussions without contributing much of their own thought or research to the space
Emotional
- Indicators: Feeling psychologically safe, noticed, genuinely appreciated in someone’s presence; the feeling of being held and understood (mmmm <3)
- Examples: Asking for help, comfortable silence without worrying about what they’re thinking/if they’re bored, truly being excited for and celebrating big-and-small good things that happen to them, making someone a playlist
- Drivers: Shared vulnerability, personal information safeguarded as the person would expect or as you would expect from them, being protective of their feelings - no heroics or machismo BS, what I mean here is being openly, unabashedly caring about them in front of others
- Detractors: Inconsistent or very unexpected reactions, slighting, lasting disproportionate give-and-take of energy or support
Sexual
- Indicators: Feeling electric around them, potentially jealous when their eyes (or other parts) seemingly wander elsewhere, single mindedness / overwhelming desire to do certain things with them or while thinking of them
- Examples: I’m trying to keep this as PG as possible so just refer to the choice illustrations I have curated in the visual above if you need a reference
- Drivers: Vivid, shared experiences; debriefing on “what works” and following through, focus on them without distractions
- Detractors: Imbalance in pleasure giving-taking over time; lack of communication, inducing a sense of insecurity
Romantic
- Indicators: You feel a sense of desire to be with someone, as small as infatuation, as deep as love; also could apply to things or situations we romanticize outside of relationships
- Examples: (I’ll try my best to not be clichéd here) Eye contact held across a room full of people, making detailed plans or fantasizing a future time, marking occasions with meaning you have ascribed to them (I just celebrated a 1000 day-versary of being in Chicago and it was KYUT)
- Drivers: Shared vulnerability, acknowledging small details about a person or a place that may have gone unnoticed before
- Detractors: Concealing details that one person feels are basic or foundational, being distracted when presence is expected, ignorance or lack of curiosity towards their interests & what is important to them
I lied when I said there was no particular order, I evidently put the boring, obvious ones last 😀
Concluding note:
Assuming one/all of these are something you want in your life and are making yourself available for, things that deepen a sense of intimacy without saturation:
1) intensity of shared experiences (ex. traveling)
2) frequency of interaction (ex. grocery, chores buddy)
3) consistency (ex. weekly writing session with the same group of people)
4) any of the above + a healthy dose of spontaneity and surprise (note: not shock).
Like most good things in life we hold onto, it can happen quick and easy but takes some work to maintain.
Provocations for you to discuss with your fellow intimacy buddies:
What kinds of intimacy do you seek in friendships, at work and with partners?
How similar or different are they?
What do you call intimacy when it’s one-sided?
Can it last?
Are there non-human entities you feel a sense of intimacy with?
What does communication look like there?
Which kind of intimacy would you like to make more space for?
Interested in more workshops & things? 🔙 Take me back to the start